unedited
when i think about it

i realize he actually tried. it didn’t work because it failed me, and it failed us.

idk

You didn’t even ask me if I was okay with it..

note to self

Remember:

1. The concept of being alone.

2. The need to be alone.

3. Alone in your thoughts.

4. Not to involve anyone else.

5. This being all you.

6. Patience.

times two

I braved myself through the appointment. I didn’t break down like I imagined. The imagining prepared myself for it so that I ready to talk about the things that happened. She was very supportive, helpful and strangely sensible to my state of being. I don’t know, this is the second time I noticed about my aura of broken-ness could be sensed.

Sigh. Tired, of it all.

It has been a real journey, just as I stated this past January. I will get through it.

Therapist appointment tomorrow morning.

poke me in the stomach

Yesterday I was caught off guard by JB. This was after my consultation with financial aid. Worried about the news I received, only having one chance to appeal and the appeal being not guaranteed.

I really wanted to study abroad this summer, go away and just be gone. But she strongly suggested that if my petition went through that I shouldn’t appeal so soon. I’m scared.

Made an appointment with my counselor. Thinking about it I imagined myself breaking down, having to face everything that happened this past year. I feel like crying just thinking about it.

I’m just so tired of things holding me back.

My appointment is in an hour, so we’ll see how everything goes.

things i didn’t know

I told her that he use to take us to see my mom every weekend. After a while, we stopped. I had embedded so much beneath me as to not remember any of it, so I wouldn’t have to fully experience it. I realized it was one of the happiest moments of my life and I cried about it.

I sat mid campus on a bench and as I started to process everything. Encapsulating my tears into my knees I cried and cried, and ended up not going to class.

Thursdays seem to be such blue days. I feel emotionally drained and unhappy. I can’t even remember or be happy about the day being Thursday for SDSU’s Farmer’s Market.

I’m glad to have friends that make me smile, and laugh about myself.

Everything is a process. I just gotta be entirely patient with myself as I work through it.